Tuesday, October 21, 2014


I have not had the stomach to blog lately. My rationale is a lame one, but hear me out:

About a month ago, I lost my 3 GB tower due to a power supply snafu that pulled a 2 hour profanity session out of me. I had to buy tools that I never knew existed, and I had to send part of my hard drive out of the damn country to get it fixed.

Well, the package arrived yesterday and I refired it, and it was a success. So now I am back on top, with a grip of pics to publish. I'll be getting to those.

I have to get one thing off of my chest though. That thing is a video game that came out a few years ago called LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW. I have been circling it for awhile now.

My conclusion? In a lot of ways, this game was made for me. It has a smooth combo system, and nonstop 80s references. For example, one of the showdowns is at the O'Bannon Farms. This is a Zombie game through and through. Juliet has to cut through all of her old classmates at Romero High. Oh, and there is the Fulci Fun Center. Nonstop zombie insider jokes. But then again, in more ways, the game was not made for me at all.

After playing through it, I did a real takedown online to determine what I though to be a rampant misogynist themes running through the whole thing. I really wish there was an academic feminist article about what transpires in this game, because I don't quite understand the politics afoot. I read many, many articles championing the game as a step forward in female characters portrayed in video games. ALL of the articles I could find were written by men however.

Juliet is empowered with ass-kicking skills and an upbeat attitude. The notion being that she is "doing her own thing" versus being the typical "dude in a woman's body" role that video games tend to have.

Juliet is very much in control of how its going down. But the disturbing notes are too many to cite. I'll give you the few that really pissed me off:

#1. Zombies mumble "bitch" at you all game long.

#2. Zombies also made sexually violent threats to Juliet.

#3. The first boss named Zed may be one of the most profane bosses I have ever taken down. So profane is this character, that I think that the bulk of the game's problems are probably most obvious in the Zed sequence.

A) Zed continually reminds Juliet that he's going to skullfuck her. He refers to her as a "slag" and a "cooze". When he really has something to say, then big block letter of such words ("cocksucker" and "vanilla slut" for example) come straight at Juliet which she has to avoid.

B) When you finally do get to saw Zed's cussy head in half, he pulls it back together and mentions that he thinks he "jizzed a little." The profanity is over the top. It is unrealized. When he says "I'm loving this shit!" it hangs in the air as an undeveloped concept. It could have been funny. It could have been original. Unfortunately it sounds like something this asshole kid named Noah in my daughter's 8th grade class would say.  Trust me, I wield the bad words, goddammit, but this lack of creativity really tested my patience. In fact, I was troubled by it.  It wasn't funny. It was just offensive. It would hav e been funny if Zed had a speech impediment and couldn't say what he said, or mispronounced it all. But no, Zed (voiced by Johnny Urine) is simply "unsubtle" and it doesn't work in a situation where there is an innocent virgin 18 year old with a chainsaw trying to get her family together. I spent 16$ on this game and went at it for about 10 hours. The replay value is lost though. I wanted to go through and get the rest of the achievements, but the Zed sequence was nothing I wanted to suffer through again.

#4. Zombie attacks are fashioned to look like rape. Juliet gets pinned and the Zombies pile on, with crotch thrusts. Oh, they attack from behind too. Do the math.

#5. When the game explains how the camera works, the player is constantly admonished to "not look up Juliet's skirt." In fact, during load screens, there is a reminder from Juliet from time to time to "Please don't look up my skirt."  In truth, I never did, but I did learn that there is an achievement for doing so.

#6. Similarly to #5, after sawing of 20 of the last boss named Killabilly's fingers, I received the achievement called "Fingered." Shit is crude people. I don't need to have that in my head. In fact, I am forced to wonder about the writer/director that was brought on board to flesh this mean-spirited game out.

#7. The motherfucker behind this is none other than James Gunn. I dug his take on the reboot of DAWN OF THE DEAD. He is also the bitch behind the movie of the summer, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.  Furthermore, SLITHER will always have a soft spot in my heart. But this? This sexist trainwreck couched in basic family values (Juliet loves her family, and a family that hunts zombies together stays together) is just that: a trainwreck.
#8. I purchased this game at GAMESTOP. A store that is frequented by little kids. Let me trll you that the packaging of this game and its presentation is all aimed at little girls who like Hello Kitty, and little boys who like beat-em-ups. There is something seriously wrong with the marketing. I know that the company behind it all needs to get the product out there and recoup their investment. But GODDAMN. I am hard-pressed to think of any other 40-somethings that went out and purchased/played this thing.

 When I went through the game the first time, I drew comfort in the relationship that Juliet has with her boyfriend Nick. The relationship seemed as pure as it was going to be without a blatant focus on purity. But in the case of LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW, the bad outweighs the good.

 I know in my heart that this game was primarily played by kids who had no business playing this game. This hurts me somewhere inside, and I can't quite articulate it. I suppose I can't articulate it because it is part of a greater hurt which has been dealt by the freedom of filth that the Internet brings. Sure, if I want to see people fucking or whatever, I can go see that stuff 2 clicks from here right now. The problem is that kids can go see that too. Maybe I feel this pain because I have kids. Maybe I feel this pain because I know that my underage sons have had secret access to jackhammering fuck-sites, and my exposure to porn was artistically shadowed breasts and asses from 80s Playboy magazines that I had to HUSTLE for. No, Playboy magazine wasn't for me when I was a kid, but I couldn't just find a computer and click around to see boobs. It wasn't easy. The viciousness of the porn available to kids is mind-blowing.  I'm conflicted about Internet censorship, and LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW reminds me of that conflict. The lines between the adult world and a child's world have been pissed on and shorted out. I don't have an answer. But I do have kids. Its complicated.

What's my point?

I could have done better.  That's my point.

Flop you James Gunn, you're still the Troma hack you always were. I still haven't seen Guardians of the Galaxy. Maybe I need to see you shine in order to process this ugly turd you have produced.

I'll start sending pics soon. Currently, the zone I work in isn't as picturesque as it has been in the past. But I still snap pics all damn night. I'll be back.