Tuesday, July 22, 2014


‎What I am about to write here is about an idiotic movie. I shouldn't even be addressing it.  It doesn't deserve radar time. But it's making noise. 

 Snowpiercer is about a train that perpetually orbits the world with the last survivors of a mankind-inflicted ice-age. The people in the back of the train are low-class. They eat insect jello (where were the insects kept?) and have no rights. The front of the train is for the baby-stealing 1 percenters. The baby-stealing and other offenses lead to an uprising, led by a brunette, bearded Captain America. The path to the front is beset with nonsense, such as a traincar full of axe-weilding, night-vision goggled ruffian types all wearing their beanies wrong.

Oh, and there's a false-bucktooth wearing Tilda Swindon with officiousness curdling out of her pores. She is merely the second in command.  The ruler of the train is none other than THE ABYSS.  He created the perpetual engine that runs the train and is worshiped by schoolchildren. 


You know what? There is a big machine running here, gears like hula hoops swirling about. I can't find a different object (what about the frying pan that THE ABYSS cooked the steaks with?) to use to stop the gears. I don't even flinch. I just use my arm. Why? I'm Johnny Storm with a beard, that's why.

 The movie is ventilated with holes. To the point of groans from the audience. NO BULLETS/HEAT BANK ROBBERY STATUS BULLETS. I can't count how many holes are in this film. There are that many.  Offense after failure after flaw. Don't worry about it though. I think I get it.

This is FUN OVER SUBSTANCE. It feels like an angry Terry Gilliam film. Its quirky and gross. But it is most definitely fun. The train careens through a snow blockage (while a dude looking like a conductor screams, "IMPACT!") and the train teeters on its tracks. These are fun things. The obvious CG frozen landscape reminds me of what...Hoth? I dunno, but it's fun to watch while it zips by. Its also fun to try to count the 7 frozen people on the mountainside that get passed once a year. Its even fun to live through a splattery New Years Eve chop-up ball.  

The most fun however, is that little girl above, her father, and their drug of choice.