Wednesday, July 08, 2009


My good friend Matt showed up yesterday too early and full of jokes. He came over to talk about some of my BADASS MOVIE REVIEWS and engage in general Labor Day shenanigans. Talking with Matt is like entering an aircraft hanger full of angry locusts. The locusts are ideas, and they are flying around in conversation, looking for an orafice to burrow into. These locusts fly into your ears and attack your eyes. Then they fly back into the thick cloud of cursed insects above and may never be heard from again. The thing is, they are infectious. Days after a long encounter with Matt, you can still feel these things buzzing in your head, and in my case, I find myself repeating them elsewhere. One such locust of late has been alcoholic energy drinks. From time to time, Matt talks about these drinks that are fruity, full of caffiene and leave you plumb wasted. I have been hearing the names of these drinks for weeks now: TILT, JOOSE, and FOUR LOKOS. But I have blown it all off. I am not an energy drink guy. I am good with gallons of black coffee. Plus, I am sure that there will be medical studies in the coming years about the nerve damage these things do.

Usually, Matt tells me of some new thing, and I am so set in my ways that he has to yank me into the zone. He does this with movies. He has done this with music. Seriously, I wouldn't have listened to SHE WANTS REVENGE at all if he hadn't pulled me into his car, told me to shut up and listen, and waited for my reaction. Matt is a patient cat. In the case of SHE WANTS REVENGE, he had burned a CD for me and given it to me weeks previous. I had played it but not really heard it. Matt stepped up his game, forced me to really listen, and then I got it.

Well, the same thing has happened with these alcoholic energy drinks.

So Matt nearly killed two people, wrecked his car and was in a Mexican auto standoff with a towtruck as he drove me to a 7-11 and showed me the cans behind the cooler glass. 8% alcohol in one. 9% in another. I reached for two FOUR LOKOS that were clocking at 11%. Matt cocked his eyebrow, and told me that I had no idea what I was in for. He was right.

The fruit punch FOUR LOKOS tasted like HAWAIIAN PUNCH. I am not kidding. The problem is that I LOVE HAWAIIAN PUNCH. The second one was grape flavored. "PURPLE DRANK!" Is what Matt yelled. It tasted like a grape Kool-Aid with a gangster edge.

The entire evening, I wrestled with this concept. Hard-ass alcohol in fruity, happy cans. Hard-ass alcohol that tasted like my childhood.

I woke up this morning in a post-malt liquor fit. It hit me like a runaway mini-cooper with 12 people packed in it. This is the kind of drink that you would see SLEAZO THE CLOWN carrying. This stuff is straight up clown juice.