Thursday, May 29, 2008

Writer's Block? I THINK NOT.

I haven't written in awhile. It isn't writer's block. It is quality control. Read on:

I just haven't published. I have one in the fuselage about my bike commute to work. Oh it is a doozy. I talk about bike politics and how I have to cuss out the odd driver in a car. I explain why I bike wearing my steeltoes. I also mention the fact that I rolled my cruiser to work for about a month and how swollen I got doing that. I have it bookended with the fact that I have hit 205 lbs and I am maintaining it. And that the 205 lbs is 5 lbs over my new year's resolution. But the post is missing some I haven't put it out there.

I have another one about my smartphone. Yes, I have a Blackberry, and I am in touch with people and email in a better way than every before. I am snapping pics and loading them onto my Facebook. I am posting in forums while I wait in line at the supermarket. I have a copy of Scarface ripped to it. I filmed the Nick Fury scene at the end of Iron Man on it. I even have old-school Scramble on it. I chat incessantly with people who I have never seen IRL on it. But alas...that post lacks a certain...chutzpah.

There is yet another post about the demise of TV. It is about how I loved the Wire and it has a pretty in-depth review on the Wire and talks about how television will never hit that pinnacle again. I also talk about 6 Feet Under and how I tried to get into that show, but the death of my father is still a little too raw and I can't make the perverse leap that show wants me to make. But that post is just straight up clinical.

I have another post entitled "2 Hats I have to Eat." It is about how I talked mad trash about Iron Man and Speed Racer and how they both humbled me. How I expected these movies to be totally lame and how I was completely wrong about them. I talk about Robert Downey Junior and what he brings to the screen. I gush about John Favreau too. And for Speed Racer, I refer to those Wachowski brothers as transgendered geniuses. Then I go on to say that I realize that only one of them is transgendered and haha. It is cute, but kinda lame. I also talk about how I finally think Christina Ricci is sexy after all of these years of whinging about her landing strip forehead. It is forensic. It doesn't leap out of the monitor at you. I ended that piece with an aside about the fact that I think Indianna Jones is gonna suck. Whatever. Like I am ever gonna publish that piece of trash.

I had a cute observation post on the price of gasohol. But we all have cute observations on that, so nevermind.

I wrote a little something on the development of various applications for Facebook and zeroed in on my current addiction, PIMPFIGHT. After about 3,000 words of explanations, strategies and general hogwash, I scrapped it. Who wants to hear about PIMPFIGHT? I am pretty sure you don't.

I have a blog entry where I disembowel my idol Al Pacino. I go into excruciating detail about how 88 MINUTES is the worst film I have seen in my adult life, and how Deborah Kara Unger is in every bad film I have seen since the mid-nineties. I talk about Pacino's fall from glory and I express hope for his new movie with DeNiro called RIGHTEOUS KILL. Overall, there was too much venom in that piece, and it will stay safely unpublished.

Similarly, I wrote a little ditty on George Romero's bullshit epic DIARY OF THE DEAD. George Romero has a thing about hillbillies and zombies. I chased that corpse around for about 8 paragraphs and then decided to shoot it in the head. Oh, it was full of all sorts of strange adjectives that I had cooked up, but overall, it had no teeth. A zombie movie piece has to have teeth.

I also wrote a wonderful piece on how photogenic Santa Cruz is. I have a bunch of pictures loaded and I have cute little statements about the sunsets, beaches, traffic and people. All of it is boring and will never see the light of day.

I wrote another about the Wii and the great times I am having, playing tennis and blowing the vector graphics out of rogue shapes in GEOMETRY WARS. It came off as stupid, lame and not worth your eyesight.

I wrote a whole thesis on my personal theories regarding Blade Runner. I had the DVD super box set crossreferenced and the BFI film book in there as well. I took Leon to task. I mentioned PTERODACTYL WOMAN OF BEVERLY HILLS. I questioned the sexuality of Rutger. I even went through a comparison of Rutger's Roy Batty to the John Doe killer in the original HITCHER. I used that as a springboard to take the new HITCHER to task. I pondered Darryl Hannah and even mentioned her posterior that she exposes in SPLASH. All of these things I hung around the dead neck of Philip K. Dick and jettisoned it into the ocean of over-writing. There is no way in hell I am going to let you see this.

And lastly, I went headlong into the ugly. I wrote a little x-rated piece about the 2 Girls and 1 Cup video and how I have avoided it. But I discussed the reaction video craze on youtube and how I had probably been more scarred in my research on the subject than if I had actually seen it. Then I discussed the BME Pain Olympics and how Danny (who is more manly than I will ever be) and I had suffered through the first 1.1 seconds of the thing before we both screamed like bitches and how rough that was. I went horrifically surgical with my verbiage. I attempted to convey the horror and the vulgarity of it all. I positioned the depravity of this culture in such a way as to make America look like the harlot of harlots. I mixed in a few gas price jokes for good measure. In the end, I offended myself, and there is no way I would consider letting you read such tripe.

And then I have a post that I haven't done, but that I want to do about Jada toys and how I am going to start writing a monthly column for their website. How I am hyped to be working with these guys and how I am going to link this blog to it and how it is going to change the way we all look at die-cast cars. I was going ot mention the team of guys that I have been working with for the past 6 months by name in securing this position and how I insinuated myself into this position in the first place.
But nahhh.

I'll do that later.