Sunday, February 24, 2008

A Deep Down Fear Confronted and Dismantled

Unhinged. Dysbalanced. I should explain to you how I have opted for the spelling "dys" versus "dis" for the usage of the prefix that means "not." I will do that some other time. I will stop doing it for will be another blog for another time. Right now, I feel displaced. It is a weather thing. It is Mother Nature flexing...and I am tired of her piss. I feel off. Mildly psychotic.

I have been trapped indoors for days. It has been raining nonstop and we are all stir crazy. Television, PS2 and Internet only holds so much distraction...we want OUT. The lines between reality and media have officially blurred. Too much pop culture. Not enough fresh air. I am slipping into a rain-inspired zone of cabin fever. Below are some rain shots. It is really coming down.

As a kid, I used to have to turn down the commercials. My parents had this explanation that television commercials where a waste of brain space. My mother told me a story about a kid who she babysat as a child who had memorized all of the commercials on the tv. She lamented that it was a total waste. I am sure she was right.

To make up for that kid's sins and any number of others, Casson and I had to turn down the commercials. Consequently, the few commercials that did slip through stuck in my head like cheap taffy. I can remember fighting myself to sleep trying to get that damned "Baby Alive" commercial out of my head. I think I had only hear a kid singing it on the schoolyard, but the infection was damn near fatal.

The commercial that I did see, that scorched my brain-pan for life was the one for Chiffon Margarine. I of course had to look it up, because all I can remember is a pissed old woman bringing the destruction of the fifth horsewoman saying "Its not nice to fool Mother Nature." Youtube pulled my account a little bit ago, apparently I had put up too much footage that belonged to other people. Ever since Google took over, they have steadily become more milquetoast. So milquetoast that I can't give you that commercial to see. Frick Youtube. I got another account with them, but I am more into just ripping what I want from them and keeping it on my Blackberry. Ooooh...the Blackberry, that will be another blog.

Enter this weekend. Enter these past few weeks.

I have a new job. It is within biking distance of where I live. This is a triumph in my life. I haven't been able to bike to work for well over a decade. Plus, Santa Cruz is one of the most bike friendly places I have ever lived in. There is a war that is obviously on between cars and bicyclists, but there are bike lanes on just about every main street. For example, some guy yelled at me to be careful as I powered past the Burger King driveway. My take was that he should be watching for bicyclists. So I hit my brakes and swerved 180 degrees while firing profanities that took out his windshield and the kid in the back seat. The words continued to hail on him and his doors pocked and buckled as they penetrated the metal like anti-tank shells. I really let that fool have it. I let him have it like Omar in Season 1 of THE WIRE. I watched a few episodes of that on Friday night, and dear Lord, my mental landscape is burred. Part of the gunpowder laced, percussion blast was that it was Fat Tuesday, and I was preparing for my yearly attempt at a cleaner mouth for 40 days.

So Mother Nature has been stepping to me. Stuff like: I don't hear any rain but as I get ready to leave in the morning, it looks like it is going to rain and sure enough, before I push my choke in at Soquel I have to hit my windshield wipers.

So this weekend, I have the kids over, and I have big plans. I was going to purchase my beach cruiser and I was going to take them to the Boardwalk. Well, I picked up the beach cruiser, I even had them install a little bell on the handlebars. You know, "Wo-oah! GTFO of my wa-aaaAY!" Oh, it is on for the local neighborhood. Ivan has a Schwinn Chopper and I have been completely overpowering him with my street/mountain bike, so I was looking forward to some even biking. Furthermore, with the new cruiser, everyone in the household has a crack at a bike.

Here are some new cruiser shots. The Felt Crass is some good old fashioned street dope. Pic one is at the bike shop. Pic 2 is beside my bed because it is like Christmas and you always keep your new toys beside your bed until they go out into the rest of your life (plus, it is raining outside). Pic 3 is Ivan's chopper. I didn't stand it up, I just shot it where it lay. It is raining outside, and I didn't feel like moving the Mustang. The Blackberry takes some mean pics though. I'll get to that in a different post.

Then it started to rain at about 2pm. Initially is was a mild sprinkling, but it got uglier and uglier. I brought my new bike into the house and rode it around a bit, trying to get a feel for it and not break anything. Bottom line is that I need to be outside. I want to ride around outside dammit.

With the loss of the weekly roller coaster ride and the forced abandonment of my bike ride with the babies, came the blossoming of a new era. Who is to blame for all of this? Who is stepping to me? As I look outside right now and see the gallons of rain drizzling down every point where water can drizzle, my anger grows.

This is about Mother nature. This is about that woman from decades ago that really got under my skin. And what can I do about it? I began hashing out the plan with Ivan. There is a mountain somewhere that I would have to climb. What weaponry could I use? No doubt, I would have to have a rocket launcher. I think the main thing would be to just bust into her palace, storm up to the throne and slap her across her stupid face. Then if she were to step back and try and get her "margarine payback" antics on, then I would have to open fire.

Recently, Luther and I watched Judge Dredd. It is a mediocre film with such good intentions. As a kid, I thought Judge Dredd was the hardest comic book character out there. You British geniuses. We have Spiderman and Archie, over there you have judge, jury and executioner. Part of my Mother Nature Takedown would entail a lawgiver...which is one of the baddest guns ever to be created for use in fiction or reality, period. Robocop's gun was close, but the Lawgiver will blow up if the wrong fingerprint gets on the trigger. While researching this idea last night, I found that Lawgiver models are sold out. But here is what the box looks like:

So obviously, I would have to unload the Lawgiver into Mother contest. She would not understand the slapping, and I would have to immobilize the elemental goddess before she tries to get all Storm on me. We watched X2 last night, and I am still giddy every time I see nightcrawler single handedly take down the White House. I onl;y wish to God that was the real president. This country is so screwed. If Obama gets close to getting into the White House, the powers that be are going to snuff the life out of that man...just you watch. America is not ready for this. I have no faith on anything positive coming in 2008. I would also have to use a pickaxe. I would love to sink a pickaxe into her forehead. What would she bleed? Probably leaves and peat moss...silly wood goddess.

The rocket launcher would have to be for Father Time, who would show up shortly after I incapacitate his stupid wife. My time playing Time Crisis has shown me that you can't spam rockets, it takes a second to reload. So I would have to send one in his direction and then continue sending them until the old fart knows what time it is.

If I beat Father Time's ass correctly, he might let me go back and adjust some of the wrongs that I have done in my past. However, as EC comics have taught me, one should never go back in time and straighten things out. You might slip up and kill your own father before you are born or some stupid trash like that. No, I would have to wrap my hands around his head and get all Rutger on him. Blade Runner final cut status (I ordered the complete set on Amazon last night, briefcase and all). Luther and I watched Blade Runner this week, and my God, I forgot how dope it is.

"I WANT MORE LIFE FATHER." Oh yeah, I'll implode his skull with my bare hands. If he still twitches after that, I would have to bust out with the two swords, Cervantes style. There has been a lot of Soul Calibur 3 this weekend BTW. What would pop out of his head? Musical notes? Gears and sprockets and pocketwatch parts? Who cares. I would have to light his remaints on fire with gasoline that costs $3.24 a gallon. I just got paid, so I would go 2 or three gallons on that withered piece of junk.

Holy smokes...this negative incantation is working. The sun is actually coming out. I am gonna get dressed and go ride a roller coaster with the babies. Cleanse this indoors palate for real. Those ridiculous fossils know what is coming. Mother nature, I ain't fooling with you. Below are some more shots of the wet rampage that bitch has been on.

Wow my kids are patient. Letting me get all of this poison out like this. They have pretty much left me alone. They could see the cloud over my head I suppose.
Yeah, I used to be scared of Mother Nature...but I think those days are over.
I'm done. I'll try and write something coherent later.