Monday, September 10, 2007

IRON MAN TRAILER IS UP

I struggled initially with Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Casson made it clear that RDJ has a prison build. So I accepted it. I was sure they were gonna have to CG his ass up.

I like John Favreau. Who doesn't. SWINGERS, fool. Gwenyth? Dunno. Terrence Howard? Dunno. But that suit. DEAR LORD, the pre release pics and footage online have had me sold on the suit for months.

Here is the trailer. If youtube pulls it, speak up, I have already ripped this fool to my cellphone. Furthermore L-Dogg has the HD version coming. It might be up at the official site for all I know. If it is, I'll fix this link later.

BAD MOVE with the Sabbath nod. BAD MOVE. We have all thought it, but no one was supposed to go there.

It looks mildly corny, but it also looks like fun.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

HALLOWEEN: THE ZOMBIE MISTAKE




Today was a bummer day. I had images of last night's laptop screening of HALLOWEEN haunting me. This was not good. The movie completely sucks.

I am glad I watched it on the laptop. Zombie gets screwed again. When HOUSE OF A THOUSAND CORPSES dropped, the DVD rip was online instantly. That was another situation where I was glad I got my hands on the bootleg. I didn't check right out of the gate for the rip of DEVIL'S REJECTS. I was ready to hear that the movie was crap. But then, the buzz came that the movie was alright. I still held out. The trailer made the film look completely sadistic. I'll tell you though, after much prodding from people, I watched it and I loved it. Yes, it was sadistic to a drastic level, but it had some merit. It gave me hope for the Zombie re-imagining of Halloween. I was feeling the hype. But after watching it on my desktop, I realize I would have been pissed if I had dropped cash on this pig. Overall, this movie is crap with a capital K.

Rob Zombie, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I thought you were waking up to film making when the Devil's Rejects rolled around, but it is the same ruse you have always pulled. Like back in the 90s when I thought you were waking up to decent music when MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN dropped. Yes, MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN had pop 40 written all over it, but it was coherent and it was deep. Then you went back into your hellbilly self and proceeded to pump out the oversampled porn-rock you have always pumped out. Rob Zombie, you retarded child, you always retreat to your silly little masturbatory world and we are all left realizing again that you sir, are a worthless hack.

I understand exploitation. I understand shock value. I also understand that Rob Zombie has built a career out of the marriage of the two. Shock value is what this film serves up, with the gusto. But watching two mental institution guards rape a patient and having the camera linger and ogle the scene was a level of shock that seeped into the exploitation that I personally don't appreciate. This is the kind of exploitation that only a weirdo like Rob Zombie would throw at you and force-feed you with. I kick myself, because I should have sensed this kind of assault coming years ago. The porn sound samples that he throws into his mediocre music straight heralded this offensive scene and I missed the moaning omens. I understand that Mr. Zombie's career is a celebration of exploitation and shock value. I am forced to understand that I am a fool to expect any less from a man who goes by the christian name of "Robert Zombie." I am a fool, because I gave this smart-ass too much credit. I thought that he was actually tapping into something. That he was going to do something new.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

Everyone complains that Tarantino bites everyone's style. Take that complaint, multiply it by about four and then drink 4 adios motherf*ckers back to back to back to back. That is about all Mr. Zombie is good for.

I understand his use of William Forsythe. Forsythe is a presence. He did good in the Devil's Rejects. He has been doing good for years. But what an absolute waste this was of the man's talents. This film doesn't come close to brushing the excellence that it could have brushed. This film doesn't use Forsythe. This film doesn't employ Forsythe. This film so so completely locked in it's own navel gaze that it lets the goodness of an actor like Forsythe slip away. I watched the movie specifically for Forsythe and he couldn't deliver. Why? Rob Zombie wouldn't let him. The script has Forsythe limited to chairs and in what seems to be a body cast. There is no real explanation as to why the mobility of the best actor of the film has been shunted, but there it is. All we get from Sir William Forsythe is a steady overkill patter of profanity. It is a waste of talent. He looks good when his throat is slashed, but that one is a reach too. If he is drunk and passed out in his chair enough to be duct taped in place the way he is (over the face, etc), then there is no reason for him to wake up when his throat gets cut.

This is a movie about Michael freaking Myers, not some lame-duck "Jason" or "Freddy." Michael Myers has always had teeth. Michael Myers was always the zombie that just kicked ass a little too hard. Michael Myers has always had an agenda. That agenda was to rid the earth of his family members. Rob Hack Zombie has made the first half of this atrocious film a dedication to the disgusting Myers family. They all suck. They are all bad. They are all dysfunctioned the hell out. But the extremities that Mr. Zombie takes to demonstrate this leaves me to think that young Michael Myers' household is in need of a comedy laugh track. It is so over the top that I was reminded of the jacked up family headed by Rodney Dangerfield in NATURAL BORN KILLERS. It is that bad. It is that awful, it is that over the top. Natural Born Killers gave you a way out though. There was a self-parodying nature to the whole thing. It was completely putrid, but there was that laugh track, to show us that this was an allegory, and that this couldn't possibly be real. Michael Myers' home is as messed up as the I LOVE MALLORY set, but just mean, mean, mean. It is no fun and it is abusive to the audience.


IT IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

I was hoping for something for the cerebellum. What I finished with was a heavy dosage of disappointment coupled with the 4 adios motherf*cker haze. It is a retread in the worst of senses. Think of the original Halloween while on crystal meth or something, 'cos that's what it is. The first half is the Rob Zombie addition. The second half is literally John Carpenter's Halloween on steroids with a runtime of about 40 minutes. This is a retread that you will see on the side of the road in about 50 miles. This isn't a "re-imagining" at all, this is some fast track defecation. This is a money grab. Well, Mr. Zombie, the joke is on you, because there is a sweet rip of your current blasphemy all over the INTARWEB. Normally, I pull a rip across and give it about 15 minutes. If it is good, I park it and go enjoy the theatrical experience. In this case, it never crossed my mind to get up from the office chair and go watch it at the drive-in. This thing is a mess. And for the record: Malcolm McDowell needs to hurry up and die already. Clockwork Orange and Caligula and now Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN? Malcolm, die in a fire plzthx.

Sherri Moon Zombie shows her ass in every movie she is in, and I am getting tired of it. She isn't in any other movies than the ones that her wastoid husband makes. This lends to some perversity. The camera is wielded by the husband, who is ogling his wife and using his audience as a wanking proxy. I have already had the conversation where the counter to what I am presenting goes like this: "But I like Sherri Moon Zombie's ass!"
Aesthetically, her ass is a wonderful thing. Conceptually, I wonder why Robert continually serves his wife up as fap material. I am reminded of any number of disturbo relationships along these lines when I start to think about it. John and Bo Derek for example.

Save your money, this trash is gonna be in the bargain bin in no time.

I got a Rob Zombie's Halloween t-shirt for my b-day the other day. I didn't want to wear it until I had seen the movie. I wore it after I had pulled the rip across. Now I am in a serious quandary. Do I wear the shirt and be a poseur? I hated this movie. No, I am going to wear the shirt, because the Shatner mask and Michael Myers are bigger than Robert Hack Zombie ever will be. He can't ruin the series. He sure did try, but Michael Myers is the true zombie here, and Robert is merely a man with a name like Smith or something doing the posing.

I was bummed all day, with images of rape and sadistic mayhem dancing through my head. I will get better though, once I queue up the original Halloweens 1-6 and cover this atrocious experience with something a little classier.

Monday, September 03, 2007

The Headgame


I am going to be honest. The next post hurts me in some way, and I can't really determine how. This next post is dirty. It is sexual and it is rooted in some sort of lament over this up and coming generation. Times have changed and the roles have reversed. Checkitout:

4 years ago I taught a high school English class. There was this girl in there who I will refer to as L. L sat in the back and always stared me down. But I kinda blew it off, because 15 year old girls tend to be a tad hormonal. L one day took a sip of some kid's apple juice in class. The kid actually didn't have apple juice in the bottle, but piss and thought it would be funny to trick someone into drinking it. I ripped a verbal swath out of the back of this boy's neck and used all of my power to make the rest of his life that year completely miserable. L's father in turn ripped a verbal chunk out of me for keeping an "unsafe classroom" where kids could actually be tricked into drinking urine. In all of this time, L's staring didn't stop.

The thing about L was that she was a beautiful young woman. She just wasn't a cheerleader. My classroom was overrun with cheerleaders and these girls HATED L for her good looks. I basically ran interference for this kid. I also struggled with the fact that the schoolyard talk would probably destroy her in regards to her urine sipping. I pitied her greatly. That was my last teaching gig and I have moved on to a better job with better pay.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. L finds me in email. We have a few exchanges about life. I explain that I am currently in the process of a divorce (when I was teaching I was married). L explains her life at university and her sorority, etc. She explains how she is working towards her PHD and how she is going to become a psychologist like her father before her. Then she drops this on me:

"I want you."

I should have shut down all communication with her right then. But it was L, the girl I always felt sorry for in my class.

"You have got to be kidding me!
I am a fossil." Was my response.

She hasn't let up from this point yet. Until I severed it all, These were the messages she was flooding my in-box with:

"sorry i've just been having fantasy's (sic) about you for years"

"What would it take? I'd be willing to do alot"

When I asked to just be friends, her response was this:

"K sounds good. But i think that having a few drinks and hooking up on friday sounds better"

When I told her no, outright, I got:

"Your just full of excuses aren't you"

"Did i mention that i've wanted you/ been in love with you for like 5 years"

"Basically you turn me on and i want you to have sex with me. Repeatedly"

So what I have is a full-on proposition for sex in less than 24 hours of time via email with someone I haven't seen for 5 years. Gentle reader, there is no way that I could throw down and bone this chick. She is hot though. I should post her pic here, but that would really be beside the point. This whole thing was good for the ego on a primal level. I managed to counter just about every one of these with some sort of, "aren't you being a little forward?" and "let's talk about something else." Here are some other quotes that I have gotten in the past bit (cut and paste straight out of my Facebook account):

"I think that you can teach me things :-)"

"I just want to love you"

"I know you will love fucking me. Once you calm down and just do it."

"I want you to give me my first O."

"please fuck me! i just want you so bad. you'll love it i promise. i bet your so big"

"teach me how to give you head."

"i'm getting sooooo turned on just thinking about it. lets just hang out sometime have a few drinks and catch up. at your place. we don't HAVE to do anything. i don't want to seem desperate. let's just hang out and see what happens. i guarantee that i will make you the happiest man alive"

"You = lame
there just has to be something wrong with you if you don't want to fuck me. I'm hot i'm smart i'm funny i'm young"

Ego is ego, and pricktalk is pricktalk, but it was getting too tedious. It became obvious to me that her game was completely sexual and that there was going to be no give on anything that had to do with who L really was. I was bummed by this factor. I wanted to know something about this girl...more than her vagina. I didn't want to know about her vagina. I wanted to know what was in the mind behind this whole thing. I wanted to talk about the rest of her high school experience. I wanted to talk about the hurt that I had felt, and maybe even discuss the urine-gulping episode. That was about the distance of my intimate experience I was going to have with her. Clitorically speaking, I wasn't interested.

I talked to my friend Matt about it. I told him that there was a headgame underneath this all. I told him that I am nobody special, and that there was a rub somewhere, but I couldn't determine it. What was the rub? Why would an ex-student of mine simply chase me down 100% on the sex tip and not give up anything else? I don't want the sex. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman and don't need this 19 year old bullshit. I finally came back at her with this:

"Why? Can't we have a good time? It isn't all about the sex thing...is it? I mean...is that all I am to you? A piece of meat?
If I was treating a girl the way you are treating me, they would lock my ass up and throw away the key."


She apologized, but the shit kept on popping. Her harranguing me for some form of sexual liason began to sicken me. It was like she was on autopilot, and this was all she could come at me with. When I would ask her about movies or music, she would twist it and make it a way to talk about sex. There was no way I was going to find the delicate L that I remembered when from when I used to teach. This was some sort of slut that had walls up on every front except the sexual one. When she finally realized that I wasn't going to grace her bed, she got sulky and started to back off. In frustration with this e-nympho, I pulled the plug and severed all lines of contact with her.

The headgame is that this is the reversal. Men used to do this kind of shit to women. Now the shoe is on the other foot. This is a woman doing this to a man. In all of this, even though I never bedded this chick down, I feel spent and used. I feel objectified. I don't get down like this. If I was in this life game to get whatever I could get, that would be one thing...but I am not. Driving over to her place, picking her up and going somewhere to toss her really doesn't appeal. I mean, it sounds so empty. It sounds so slutty. It sounds so wrong. I could use her as an object. A live piece of meat for my own masturbation and then what? Wait for her to call me again so that I could use her as a pleasant piece of meat again?

What is up with this up and coming generation?

My conclusion in the L case is that she has been used in the same way by a guy before me, and this is how she has chosen to work with men. She has a long road in front of her. There will of course, be slutty guys who will snap her up when she puts her ass on the table. She might get through her entire life with these sorts of liasons. There will also be the guys like me who want to know who she is and what makes her tick...who will ultimately feel sorry for her.

I feel like such a bitch. Society itself demands that I drive over there right now and hump her brains out. I have friends who will tell me that I should have gone and tossed her sideways because that is what she wanted. All I have to go on is what I feel internally, which is that there is something horribly wrong with this picture. I am disturbed by it all.

Fuck you, L. Not me, but someone else. I think that is what you want.

SCOOTER TAG

The person who is it rides the scooter. The rest are on foot. This is officially the game of my summer. Other aspects are that you bust a sweat and your legs are sore at the end. My scooter skills are up...I haven't spilled seriously yet. I even went to youtube to watch stunts on the Fuzion so I could get something on at times when we play "vehicle tag" where everyone is on something. I have a long way to go.

I am reminded of my sweaty summer nights playing kick the can at the top of Hellam Street. The immigrant neighbors would come out and tell us to keep it down, and I for one would not.

The key to these games is population; as you will note here, there is a population. The rest of the kids in this neighborhood are still a little shook, but they are starting to hover on the sidelines.

Here is an example of the action: