Monday, September 03, 2007
I am going to be honest. The next post hurts me in some way, and I can't really determine how. This next post is dirty. It is sexual and it is rooted in some sort of lament over this up and coming generation. Times have changed and the roles have reversed. Checkitout:
4 years ago I taught a high school English class. There was this girl in there who I will refer to as L. L sat in the back and always stared me down. But I kinda blew it off, because 15 year old girls tend to be a tad hormonal. L one day took a sip of some kid's apple juice in class. The kid actually didn't have apple juice in the bottle, but piss and thought it would be funny to trick someone into drinking it. I ripped a verbal swath out of the back of this boy's neck and used all of my power to make the rest of his life that year completely miserable. L's father in turn ripped a verbal chunk out of me for keeping an "unsafe classroom" where kids could actually be tricked into drinking urine. In all of this time, L's staring didn't stop.
The thing about L was that she was a beautiful young woman. She just wasn't a cheerleader. My classroom was overrun with cheerleaders and these girls HATED L for her good looks. I basically ran interference for this kid. I also struggled with the fact that the schoolyard talk would probably destroy her in regards to her urine sipping. I pitied her greatly. That was my last teaching gig and I have moved on to a better job with better pay.
Fast forward to 3 days ago. L finds me in email. We have a few exchanges about life. I explain that I am currently in the process of a divorce (when I was teaching I was married). L explains her life at university and her sorority, etc. She explains how she is working towards her PHD and how she is going to become a psychologist like her father before her. Then she drops this on me:
"I want you."
I should have shut down all communication with her right then. But it was L, the girl I always felt sorry for in my class.
"You have got to be kidding me!
I am a fossil." Was my response.
She hasn't let up from this point yet. Until I severed it all, These were the messages she was flooding my in-box with:
"sorry i've just been having fantasy's (sic) about you for years"
"What would it take? I'd be willing to do alot"
When I asked to just be friends, her response was this:
"K sounds good. But i think that having a few drinks and hooking up on friday sounds better"
When I told her no, outright, I got:
"Your just full of excuses aren't you"
"Did i mention that i've wanted you/ been in love with you for like 5 years"
"Basically you turn me on and i want you to have sex with me. Repeatedly"
So what I have is a full-on proposition for sex in less than 24 hours of time via email with someone I haven't seen for 5 years. Gentle reader, there is no way that I could throw down and bone this chick. She is hot though. I should post her pic here, but that would really be beside the point. This whole thing was good for the ego on a primal level. I managed to counter just about every one of these with some sort of, "aren't you being a little forward?" and "let's talk about something else." Here are some other quotes that I have gotten in the past bit (cut and paste straight out of my Facebook account):
"I think that you can teach me things :-)"
"I just want to love you"
"I know you will love fucking me. Once you calm down and just do it."
"I want you to give me my first O."
"please fuck me! i just want you so bad. you'll love it i promise. i bet your so big"
"teach me how to give you head."
"i'm getting sooooo turned on just thinking about it. lets just hang out sometime have a few drinks and catch up. at your place. we don't HAVE to do anything. i don't want to seem desperate. let's just hang out and see what happens. i guarantee that i will make you the happiest man alive"
"You = lame
there just has to be something wrong with you if you don't want to fuck me. I'm hot i'm smart i'm funny i'm young"
Ego is ego, and pricktalk is pricktalk, but it was getting too tedious. It became obvious to me that her game was completely sexual and that there was going to be no give on anything that had to do with who L really was. I was bummed by this factor. I wanted to know something about this girl...more than her vagina. I didn't want to know about her vagina. I wanted to know what was in the mind behind this whole thing. I wanted to talk about the rest of her high school experience. I wanted to talk about the hurt that I had felt, and maybe even discuss the urine-gulping episode. That was about the distance of my intimate experience I was going to have with her. Clitorically speaking, I wasn't interested.
I talked to my friend Matt about it. I told him that there was a headgame underneath this all. I told him that I am nobody special, and that there was a rub somewhere, but I couldn't determine it. What was the rub? Why would an ex-student of mine simply chase me down 100% on the sex tip and not give up anything else? I don't want the sex. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman and don't need this 19 year old bullshit. I finally came back at her with this:
"Why? Can't we have a good time? It isn't all about the sex thing...is it? I mean...is that all I am to you? A piece of meat?
If I was treating a girl the way you are treating me, they would lock my ass up and throw away the key."
She apologized, but the shit kept on popping. Her harranguing me for some form of sexual liason began to sicken me. It was like she was on autopilot, and this was all she could come at me with. When I would ask her about movies or music, she would twist it and make it a way to talk about sex. There was no way I was going to find the delicate L that I remembered when from when I used to teach. This was some sort of slut that had walls up on every front except the sexual one. When she finally realized that I wasn't going to grace her bed, she got sulky and started to back off. In frustration with this e-nympho, I pulled the plug and severed all lines of contact with her.
The headgame is that this is the reversal. Men used to do this kind of shit to women. Now the shoe is on the other foot. This is a woman doing this to a man. In all of this, even though I never bedded this chick down, I feel spent and used. I feel objectified. I don't get down like this. If I was in this life game to get whatever I could get, that would be one thing...but I am not. Driving over to her place, picking her up and going somewhere to toss her really doesn't appeal. I mean, it sounds so empty. It sounds so slutty. It sounds so wrong. I could use her as an object. A live piece of meat for my own masturbation and then what? Wait for her to call me again so that I could use her as a pleasant piece of meat again?
What is up with this up and coming generation?
My conclusion in the L case is that she has been used in the same way by a guy before me, and this is how she has chosen to work with men. She has a long road in front of her. There will of course, be slutty guys who will snap her up when she puts her ass on the table. She might get through her entire life with these sorts of liasons. There will also be the guys like me who want to know who she is and what makes her tick...who will ultimately feel sorry for her.
I feel like such a bitch. Society itself demands that I drive over there right now and hump her brains out. I have friends who will tell me that I should have gone and tossed her sideways because that is what she wanted. All I have to go on is what I feel internally, which is that there is something horribly wrong with this picture. I am disturbed by it all.
Fuck you, L. Not me, but someone else. I think that is what you want.