Thursday, September 06, 2007

HALLOWEEN: THE ZOMBIE MISTAKE




Today was a bummer day. I had images of last night's laptop screening of HALLOWEEN haunting me. This was not good. The movie completely sucks.

I am glad I watched it on the laptop. Zombie gets screwed again. When HOUSE OF A THOUSAND CORPSES dropped, the DVD rip was online instantly. That was another situation where I was glad I got my hands on the bootleg. I didn't check right out of the gate for the rip of DEVIL'S REJECTS. I was ready to hear that the movie was crap. But then, the buzz came that the movie was alright. I still held out. The trailer made the film look completely sadistic. I'll tell you though, after much prodding from people, I watched it and I loved it. Yes, it was sadistic to a drastic level, but it had some merit. It gave me hope for the Zombie re-imagining of Halloween. I was feeling the hype. But after watching it on my desktop, I realize I would have been pissed if I had dropped cash on this pig. Overall, this movie is crap with a capital K.

Rob Zombie, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I thought you were waking up to film making when the Devil's Rejects rolled around, but it is the same ruse you have always pulled. Like back in the 90s when I thought you were waking up to decent music when MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN dropped. Yes, MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN had pop 40 written all over it, but it was coherent and it was deep. Then you went back into your hellbilly self and proceeded to pump out the oversampled porn-rock you have always pumped out. Rob Zombie, you retarded child, you always retreat to your silly little masturbatory world and we are all left realizing again that you sir, are a worthless hack.

I understand exploitation. I understand shock value. I also understand that Rob Zombie has built a career out of the marriage of the two. Shock value is what this film serves up, with the gusto. But watching two mental institution guards rape a patient and having the camera linger and ogle the scene was a level of shock that seeped into the exploitation that I personally don't appreciate. This is the kind of exploitation that only a weirdo like Rob Zombie would throw at you and force-feed you with. I kick myself, because I should have sensed this kind of assault coming years ago. The porn sound samples that he throws into his mediocre music straight heralded this offensive scene and I missed the moaning omens. I understand that Mr. Zombie's career is a celebration of exploitation and shock value. I am forced to understand that I am a fool to expect any less from a man who goes by the christian name of "Robert Zombie." I am a fool, because I gave this smart-ass too much credit. I thought that he was actually tapping into something. That he was going to do something new.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

Everyone complains that Tarantino bites everyone's style. Take that complaint, multiply it by about four and then drink 4 adios motherf*ckers back to back to back to back. That is about all Mr. Zombie is good for.

I understand his use of William Forsythe. Forsythe is a presence. He did good in the Devil's Rejects. He has been doing good for years. But what an absolute waste this was of the man's talents. This film doesn't come close to brushing the excellence that it could have brushed. This film doesn't use Forsythe. This film doesn't employ Forsythe. This film so so completely locked in it's own navel gaze that it lets the goodness of an actor like Forsythe slip away. I watched the movie specifically for Forsythe and he couldn't deliver. Why? Rob Zombie wouldn't let him. The script has Forsythe limited to chairs and in what seems to be a body cast. There is no real explanation as to why the mobility of the best actor of the film has been shunted, but there it is. All we get from Sir William Forsythe is a steady overkill patter of profanity. It is a waste of talent. He looks good when his throat is slashed, but that one is a reach too. If he is drunk and passed out in his chair enough to be duct taped in place the way he is (over the face, etc), then there is no reason for him to wake up when his throat gets cut.

This is a movie about Michael freaking Myers, not some lame-duck "Jason" or "Freddy." Michael Myers has always had teeth. Michael Myers was always the zombie that just kicked ass a little too hard. Michael Myers has always had an agenda. That agenda was to rid the earth of his family members. Rob Hack Zombie has made the first half of this atrocious film a dedication to the disgusting Myers family. They all suck. They are all bad. They are all dysfunctioned the hell out. But the extremities that Mr. Zombie takes to demonstrate this leaves me to think that young Michael Myers' household is in need of a comedy laugh track. It is so over the top that I was reminded of the jacked up family headed by Rodney Dangerfield in NATURAL BORN KILLERS. It is that bad. It is that awful, it is that over the top. Natural Born Killers gave you a way out though. There was a self-parodying nature to the whole thing. It was completely putrid, but there was that laugh track, to show us that this was an allegory, and that this couldn't possibly be real. Michael Myers' home is as messed up as the I LOVE MALLORY set, but just mean, mean, mean. It is no fun and it is abusive to the audience.


IT IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

I was hoping for something for the cerebellum. What I finished with was a heavy dosage of disappointment coupled with the 4 adios motherf*cker haze. It is a retread in the worst of senses. Think of the original Halloween while on crystal meth or something, 'cos that's what it is. The first half is the Rob Zombie addition. The second half is literally John Carpenter's Halloween on steroids with a runtime of about 40 minutes. This is a retread that you will see on the side of the road in about 50 miles. This isn't a "re-imagining" at all, this is some fast track defecation. This is a money grab. Well, Mr. Zombie, the joke is on you, because there is a sweet rip of your current blasphemy all over the INTARWEB. Normally, I pull a rip across and give it about 15 minutes. If it is good, I park it and go enjoy the theatrical experience. In this case, it never crossed my mind to get up from the office chair and go watch it at the drive-in. This thing is a mess. And for the record: Malcolm McDowell needs to hurry up and die already. Clockwork Orange and Caligula and now Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN? Malcolm, die in a fire plzthx.

Sherri Moon Zombie shows her ass in every movie she is in, and I am getting tired of it. She isn't in any other movies than the ones that her wastoid husband makes. This lends to some perversity. The camera is wielded by the husband, who is ogling his wife and using his audience as a wanking proxy. I have already had the conversation where the counter to what I am presenting goes like this: "But I like Sherri Moon Zombie's ass!"
Aesthetically, her ass is a wonderful thing. Conceptually, I wonder why Robert continually serves his wife up as fap material. I am reminded of any number of disturbo relationships along these lines when I start to think about it. John and Bo Derek for example.

Save your money, this trash is gonna be in the bargain bin in no time.

I got a Rob Zombie's Halloween t-shirt for my b-day the other day. I didn't want to wear it until I had seen the movie. I wore it after I had pulled the rip across. Now I am in a serious quandary. Do I wear the shirt and be a poseur? I hated this movie. No, I am going to wear the shirt, because the Shatner mask and Michael Myers are bigger than Robert Hack Zombie ever will be. He can't ruin the series. He sure did try, but Michael Myers is the true zombie here, and Robert is merely a man with a name like Smith or something doing the posing.

I was bummed all day, with images of rape and sadistic mayhem dancing through my head. I will get better though, once I queue up the original Halloweens 1-6 and cover this atrocious experience with something a little classier.