Wednesday, June 06, 2007

When Work Pranks Go Pubic

I was in an all-day meeting today. At one point I was given 15 minutes to walk around and catch my breath. I caught it, and then I lost it. Read on.

I am going to be purposefully vague so that I don't blow anyone's cover.

So this guy at work steps up to me and peels me away from this conversation that I was having. He tells me he wants to show me something. I ask if it is perverted. He says that it is, and I follow him. Lisa-Marie (the only person who will be exposed in this post) probably wants to know what it was that we discussed. Well, she can read it here.

So this guy takes me to this cubicle of someone who is on vacation. The vacationer has the note over his monitor and everything. He won't be back for awhile. So my host opens up the vacationer's cabinet that is over his desk. Inside I saw a cutely wrapped mug. It looked like bad chocolate.

"Its squid." The guy told me.

He reached in and pulled out the wrapped fleshmug. Apparently, in Japan, they make these things. It is dried squidmeat. Inside of the mug (which is beer stein sized) is a dried squid. It's tentacles stick up in the mug. Apparently (my host told me) one pours their beer into this mug, eats the squid at the bottom of the mug and then proceeds to consume the mug. Hey, I am a fan of deep-fried calamari in mild doses...another story), but this...wasn't fried.

So after holding it for a bit, my prankster buddy who went to the same high school as I did, and works in the same office as I do put it back in the cabinet.

I didn't get it.

Then he explained it to me. By the time the vacationer gets back, this mug will have festered to a disgusting level, and the smell will be hard to escape. I will give you more on the smell in just a sec.

So I stuck my nose into the cabinet, right next to the fleshmug and breathed it in.

"That smell stays with you for about 45 minutes!" He chortled in response to my vomitous "goddamn."

The smell did stay with me for about 45 minutes. Think of the dirtiest underwear you have ever smelled. Now multiply that by two. Now think of the dirtiest, most unhygenic person you've ever seen (mine is this guy I saw about 20 years ago in Texas, he was shirtless, overweight, unshaven and had an "Addicted to women" ballcap on his greasy head). Ok, think of that dirty underwear snugly working its way through the pubic grime of this person. Think of this underwear, soaked in human grease and filth for about a week. Think about it cleaving to their body as it comes off. Peeling away with a slick, unctious resistance as it leaves parts of its decomposed self stuck to the body. Think of the clots and transparent boogers of grimy, leftover, shedded, moist skin. Think of the foulest crevices that underwear would be pried from. Think of the rotting genetalia and the flecks of matter lost deep in the pubes.

Now imagine shoving your face full into this greasy pair of decomposing drawers and breathing deep.

That was the smell.

I went back to my meeting to explain to these people this strange fleshmug. They didn't get it. They argued that calamari is great. That they like squid. I couldn't get all pubic with my explanation of the smell. So I compared it to walking down the beach and rolling up on a half-eaten sea lion with his exposed ribs flexing snakelike in the tide that can't quite carry him out. Some people understood this.

Others, like that poor vacationer, are just going to have to wait and see. This one is gonna be big.