Monday, June 04, 2007

I saw that Pirates 3 Trash

I'm bringing it with the back off if you don't want me to ruin it for you.

I watched this thing at the drive-in 2 weeks ago. The drive-in is a good experience and all, but I missed out on some of the beauty of this film due to the nighttime lighting and some woman parked in front of us who had hazard light issues. The drive-in isn't really a bad experience, but for this film, I needed the security of the theatre. I took the babies to see SHREK 3 there last weekend and that was a perfect drive-in movie. Why? Because it is hard to take that piece of crap seriously. About a month ago, we saw GRINDHOUSE at the drive-in. PERFECT FILM. Why? Because it was adult crap and didn't really require onscreen scrutiny to determine what was happening. PIRATES REQUIRES ONSCREEN SCRUTINY. There is a lot of stuff happening in this film. It is busy eye-candy.

So, Gentle Reader is now asking me how I am equipped to even consider writing a blog about Pirates 3. I am able to do this because of the absolutely pristine rip of the film currently available online. PRISTINE I said. I was at Matt's house earlier this evening and I was telling him about this rip, and I compared it to the hi-def screen in the room. Digital nuances char some of the edges; but this is better than video in a lot of cases. You doubt me? I just cut the KEY MONEY SHOT and put it on youtube. The sound synch is off, so turn it down (maybe someday I will fix it, but for now, I have to push this sucker out). Feast your eyes on THIS (it is beautiful and spoilerific as fok):

Such beauty. I will get back to that particular scene in a bit.

I started writing this the night I got back from the movie, and then I parked it. I didn't know how to continue. Do I come at the reader as someone who doesn't know the multi-billion dollar franchise? Do I just throw down all of the spoilers? Do I come at this from the appreciation of the FX? I have been struggling but not that hard on this subject; I have divorce court for that.

Here are some things that stuck out to me. I have posted them in various places online, but I will round them all up here and now. I am treating you as if you have seen it or that you don't care about spoilers, so once again, be forewarned.

This film was bloated with excess. Money drips out of every set piece, every costume and out of the mouths of every overpaid actor. You know that they truly spared no expense, in every Jurassic Park form of the term. There are some good moments, and some serious FX money shots. This is the kind of film that I will go back to time and time again to enjoy the FX alone. It is busy, and it is dizzying. They show you the money. There is a maelstrom. Davey Jones is the sexiest squid ever. Calypso (don't ask, this is a horrid plot turn) morphs one way, and then morphs another as she splashes into the ocean. The clip I posted is fantastic to me beyond words. I was completely mesmerised as the battleship was flying to bits around that baby faced British captain motherfucker with the double chin. His world is coming apart and there is peace at the center of complete and utter chaos...until he is consumed.

I must say that Chow-Yun Fat's face scar was the most chic thing I have seen all year. I'ma get me one of them there strange anarchy scars. It is over the top and groans of an overpaid makeup artist, but that aside, it is the coolest scar I have ever seen in film. Chow-Yun Fat has no real reason to be in this film. The whole sub-plot with him in it is unnecessary and abusive. So abusive (with the beginning fruits of an attempted rape) that I put the banstick to this one in regards to my two younger kids.

Another point of excess would have to be Jack Sparrow and all of his mind-clones...what the hell was the name of that movie where he is a writer and there is a scene with him surrounded by mind-clones? Yeah...The Secret Window. Plus, the Animal House reference with the two mini-Jacks on either side was a little much. The point is that Jack truly is crazy. We all suspected, and now we know. He isn't crazy like a fox, he is literally loco and it is amazing that he has made it to this point in the Pirates franchise without seriously getting killed or shut-down some way. Initially, I was hating on this multiplicity angle, but as I came to embrace the Sparrow Insanity pleas, it began to grow on me. I need to watch the scene where he is on the boat in the desert again. There are a few reasons for this. One is that there is a lot going on there that I think was subtle and that I may have missed in the first viewing. The second is that I am in an argument with a certain hot SS who thinks that Depp was looking good with his shirt off. If I recall it correctly, he was looking like a bag of manure, and his chest had that wet blanket appeal....NOT GOOD. But SS argues that he was looking ripped and firm. I need to watch that scene again and make sure that I can kick Mr. Depp's ass.

There are some beautiful sight gags. One has to do with Barbosa and Sparrow constantly pulling out telescopes. Penis-envy or telescope-envy? Another has to do with that midget who was rather prominent in the first one. He squeezes the trigger on a musket and goes flying at one point. The next time you see him with a musket, you are gritting your teeth.

Barbosa is back. I have no idea how, since he was shot in the heart, but he is. There is no back story on this fact, but he is the best pirate onscreen. He really is. Depp's Sparrow is fun, but in a glamour boy sense. It is Barbosa who is keeping it real. Barbosa came correct. He was holding shit DOWN.

It isn't all good though. In the three hours of footage, there are total mistakes. One of them is the marriage of Will to Elizabeth. The mid-battle wedding was some of the corniest garbage I have ever seen in my life. Barbosa is blasting fools with his pistol and stabbing others while belting out the marriage rites. Will Turner and Elizabeth Domino are saying their "I dos" over similar such carnage. I find it hard to believe that Elizabeth Domino has become such a killing machine in such a short amount of time. I am serious, her body count alone towards the end of this film is well into the double-digits.

Another mistake is the usage of Keith Richards at all. Completely nonpoint. Not cool, not inspiring and certainly not funny. Keith is a walking special effect, granted, but he is totally out of place and in a forced cameo position. There is no use for the two scenes he is in. None whatsoever. He didn't need to be there. Punto final.

The stuff that got under my skin the most was the Calypso angle though. Ugh. It makes me uncomfortable it was so bad. The Calypso sub-plot felt like one of those add-ins that happened in the original Star Wars trilogy; where Lucas is flying by his pants and writing stuff 5 minutes before they were filming it. Bring it if you want to argue this point, because I am locked and loaded. He wasn't writing it 5 minutes before he was shooting it, but he certainly wasn't following continuity or character as he pulled EMPIRE and JEDI out of his ass. This film felt similar. Pirates 1 was complete. Then they had to add all of this stuff to get Pirates 2 out. They had to add even more stuff to Pirates 3 to flush Pirate 2 down the commode properly. I hope Disney doesn't do anything so gay as to have a prequel trilogy.

I feel that as a fan of Clash of the Titans and a master of all things mythological (as we all are) that we deserves a fair explanation of the the death of the Kraken. That thing was nigh unstoppable in part 2. In part 3 it is on a beach like any number of seals I have seen in Marina. UNCOOL. They spare no expense with just about everything except this. Yes, it is an effect to have people standing on the rotting carcass, but they could have done more. There could have been a flashback as Davey Jones pwned his favorite pet. COME ON, it is the KRAKEN for fok's sake.

The end of the credits thing was so gay that I am now looking at men. It would have been better if Will hadn't showed up. Then it would be ON for part 4. What I am saying is that at the end of part 1, when the monkey went zombie...I was happy. I forget what happened at the end of part 2 in all honesty. However, this "happily ever after" trash that is saccharine-forced down my throat at the end of part 3 was wrong, wrong, wrong. It was lame in such a way that it should have never been filmed and time should be spun back to the moment some stupid intern suggested it in a board room.

Conclusion? There is a LOT of good going on in this movie. It was worth 6.50. To watch that British Commander have his pathetic life explode around him in orgasmic ILM glory was worth the admission alone. It is also worth the hard drive space for the download. After coming off of Spiderman 3 with questions about the godhead of Raimi and viewing the trailer for the TRANSFORMERS at the beginning of Pirates; I feel I am positively hurtling on into a wonderful, movie-studded summer.