Wednesday, January 03, 2007

LENNY DYKSTRA>BILL BRASKY

If you haven't heard or seen the old BILL BRASKY skits on SNL, I need to prep you just a bit. The Bill Brasky skit is a bunch of drunken fellows talking about this larger than life asshole named Bill Brasky. It is usually coupled with strange drunken asides like, "I masturbate to the teletubbies" and "I crap the bed at night". Most of the skits are about Bill Brasky's larger than life experiences. I have some vids on my HD. When I find out how to link them to this site, then wassap. I did the cursory youtube search and got nada. I'll keep it in the back of my head though and when I find some of that stuff I'll post it.

HOLD THE PHONE.
I just hit the jackpot at Wikipedia. Here are some choice Braskyisms:

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."

"I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half — until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"

"The story of Johnny Appleseed is based on Brasky... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men."

"He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in
the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"He breastfeeds John Madden!"

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I were in a production of The King and I? Anyway, on opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

Ok, you get the notion. Here is the blog:

There is this guy I have been doing Braskyesque posturing with online. I will just refer to him as JK. I again, will be referred to as Muphukka. The character is of JK's own twisted imagination-cum-reality. JK is from Minnesota BTW. One of the sharpest cats i have come across with this intarnet thingee. The character in question is this baseball player from the late 80s and early 90s named Lenny Dykstra. I had to do a little research before I could play this game. Before that, all I knew was John Dykstra, the FX wizard who put Episode IV and Battlestar Galactica together. I am not going to get into how we started doing this whole thing, that is another story of epic proportions. I am just going to transcribe the gross hyperbole. There is some raunch, so brace that ass. This has been going back and forth for over a year now. These are the most recent additions, I find them rather funny:

JK: i heard that LD2k made mount rushmore by hitting a homerun from atlanta that landed in shitty ass south dakotait was at that point he decided to only hit homeruns towards possible invading planets

Muphukka:Yeah, back when I read in somewhere (Sports Illustrated I think) that LD was benching Scrooge McDuck's safe, I knew that the world as I know it was no longer safe.FOK STEROIDS. LOOK AT THE LD.

JK:funny you mention roids-i heard every steroid ever created came from LD tobacco spit residuemark mcgwire was seen drinking a glass of it in the famous photo before he hit his record breaking homer...to this day its never been repeated with positive results

Muphukka: My understanding is that the CA Governator himself said that his quadruple bypass surgery could have been staved off for a few years if he hadn't injected the LD Beech-Nut brand of roid juice that was available through the Sharper Image catalogues in the mid-eighties.

Muphukka: Fok a dentist. Fok Plaque control. Fok flossing. Fok tobacco stains.
LD has been using a jackhammer every night on his pearly whites before bed.

Muphukka: LD's dick generates so much heat when he has wood that there are mosses and other shrubbery around his house that are indiginous in only the severest of tropical climates.

JK: LD killed all the unicorns in the world back in 1983 because he thought stick headed horses were gay

Muphukka:The 1991 report of LD driving drunk is all wrong.
The party that LD had been attending was out of whiskey, and LD decided to transport four gallons of his own Jack Daniels special reserve to the party in his stomach.
The police let LD go with a mere warning when they saw the stomach pump and whiskey keg in the trunk of the vehicle.

JK: its not a coincedenceeveryone was so happy when it happened they all screwed like mad

Muphukka: I have heard that a woman has to merely look LD in the eye and her clitoris will do backflips until the gaze is broken.

JK:rain was invented during the 2nd inning of a game between the mets and the expos when lenny dykstra hit a homerun into the sky so hard it criedthat was also the first game called on account of rain, obviously

Muphukka: Pete Rose and Lenny Dykstra faced off only a few times in actual professional play.
Lenny shoulder-checked Rose in 1986 while rounding the bases and sent Rose violently skidding and ultimately, through a mishap of physics and slick astroturf, into the upper-deck. Hence, the term "The Pete Rose".
Unfortunately, Mr. Rose woke up from the three-quarter-mile-gravel-skid with a serious drinking and gambling problem.
The effects of the Dykstra shoulder check were studied by the top physicians in the country at an emergency meeting at Stanford Hospital in Palo Alto CA. Pete Rose's entire personality had been completely perverted by a mere shoulder check. Neurosurgeons now refer to this anomoly as the "Dykstra Effect".

JK: back in the day mankind was seperated by the 2 genders only by having vagina's on women and a 3rd leg on men and babies were created when both members snapped their fingers at the same time
then one day in '81 lenny stuffed his 3rd leg up a woman and while he did so he grabbed her chest so hard it it pulled some skin out to make breasts and god remade history by giving men smaller parts and gearing everything to facilitate the process
when it came to remaking everyone though he got to lenny who slap-boxed god in the ear until god left lenny the same
basically lenny invented sex, penis', useable vagina's and breasts, and thats why snapping your fingers went out in the early 80's
contrary to popular belief lenny did not invent cuddling, some other pussy did that, he DID however invent the 1 night stand

Muphukka: During the 1986 World Series, Dykstra hit a homerun that has yet to be found.
Collectors such as Todd McFarlane have been scouring the earth for this one lost baseball.
Saddam Hussein himself felt that he had located the ball buried in the oil fields of Kuwait.
He invaded the country and lit the fields on fire to locate the priceless collectors item.

George Bush heard of Saddam's possible securing of such a national treasure and declared war upon Iraq. The battle still rages on, and the baseball hasn't been found.

Saddam was tortured and grilled at Guantanamo Bay for close to a year before being turned over for execution. Saddam never did tell where that ball lies, and you can see in the hanging video the faint smile on his face; because he took to the secret to the grave.



Oh, it will go on, but I thought that the stuff was too priceless to just keep within a select crowd. The stuff is gold.