Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Silver Surfer and the FF

I have a lot of comic book points to discuss here. First off is that the Silver Surfer is going to be in the next Fantastic Four movie. I blew off the first one, but to call the second one THE RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER shows me that they want my money. They are making the Fantastic Four series look like it is going to be cool finally.

I have always liked the Fantastic Four. I liked them as a kid, except when Galactus showed up. I never really understood Galactus at all. It wasn't until later in life that the magic of Galactus caught my attention. Galactus is this huge, buff space behemoth with a heavy-metal headset that devours planets. When he finally shows up at the progressive humanoid infested planet that Norrin Radd inhabits, the story gets interesting. Norrin Radd steps up and tells Galactus that he will work for him and find other planets for Galactus' appetite if he will just leave this one alone. Galactus hires the guy and turns normally human looking Norrin Radd into this silver dude with a space surf-board. Norrin Radd scours the galaxy looking for Galactus treats, but he always seems to eventually have to deal with earth. There have been all of these wonderful Marvel battles featuring the Fantastic Four and some dude called a Watcher who go out of their way to stop Galactus' attack. The surfer is an emotional guy who has sacrificed his life to save his planet, leaving his girlfriend behind. I had a few issues of the SILVER SURFER when I was a kid, but I just didn't get it. It was too sophisticated. His constant moping made no sense to me then, but now that stuff would be gold. It was too complicated for me, unlike some other comicbooks that were coming out at the same time (make a DC skullnote, I will handle those bitches shortly).

Anyways, here is the trailer that just showed up on youtube this AM. It is a pretty
slutty copy:

Or check it for real here:http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/fantasticfourriseofthesilversurfer/

Whatever the case may be, I am hyped that they are putting something together that might be worth my while. But I am not holding my breath. Similarly, I am not holding my breath for the Nic Cage GHOST RIDER which is another complex Marvel character coming to the screen shortly. Actually, I am really worried about the GHOST RIDER. I haven't heard JACK about the thing in months and it releases in a little more than 30 days or something.

Another Marvel hero coming to the bigscreen (in 2008) is IRON MAN. Now I don't know about you, but I am an IRON MAN fan from the old school. When I was a kid living in Downey, I traded a grip of MARVEL TALES to Mike Lyell up the street for a grip of IRON MAN comics. It was probably a 20 or 30 comic run...so I got immersed. Tony Stark is this badass corporate kazillionaire who invents this suit. Actually, I think the Russians kidnapped him and forced him to make this suit as some sort of weapon of mass destruction, but homeboy flipped the ruskies the bird and left with the suit. I think that is how it went. But the problem was that Tony Stark had a serious drinking problem. It was so real to me, this guy flying around in his super hero suit while drunk. One issue that will always stick out in my mind was a cover with Tony Stark staring at a bottle, hammered out of his head and it was entitled, THE DEMON IN THE BOTTLE. OH SNAP. Here it is:

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. has been cast as Iron Man. As Tony Stark. I am personally offended. More often than naught though, people (including Casson) have said things to the effect of, "Tony Stark is an addict and so is RDJ, so it all works." I have to call bullshit here. Charlie Chaplin is not IRON MAN. No clown shoes are going to be able to handle the brunt of what IRON MAN has to take and deliver. Furthermore, Robert Downey Junior is a skinny little bitch. He is close to 50 or maybe 60 and he has never lifted a weight in his life. He is going to have to hit the gym HARD and get his swell on. I don't see it happening. Like I said on a site that I post on quite regularly, "they are going to have to CG that bitch up".

This is no Michael Keaton as Batman situation. Michael Keaton was a horrible choice and Robert Downey Junior is straight anathema. Keaton made his jaw act, and that is how he got around. he was a bad choice but somehow, they got Mr. Mom to get it together. Robert Downey Junior is going to have to ACT in a suit that totally obscures his face. It is going to be hard to work with that. Robert Downey Junior is no athlete, nor will he be by the time the film opens. Is this going to work? I DOUBT IT. I DON'T THINK IT CAN. Best role I ever saw RDJ in was in NATURAL BORN KILLERS. He worked in that movie because right out the gate you knew Mickey and Mallory were going to hand him his ass. You didn't know how, and the way they did served that pathetic fool correctly.

Iron Man is better than Batman. All of these people are out there saying that Batman is so damn hard, and the DARK KNIGHT this, and HE'S INSANE that...they all need to chill the hell out. I know DC comics. I also know that when IRON MAN was dealing with REAL LIFE PROBLEMS and trying to DRINK TO FORGET; Batman was a comedy show. Batman has always been a comedy show. DC sucks and it still sucks. People want to forgive it for it's lame past, but it's lame past is UNFORGIVEABLE. DC Comics is up there, maybe a shade more smarter than MAD MAGAZINE. You think I am lying? Have you ever read PLASTIC MAN? I know that you are going to contest that fact and say that MARVEL messed around a bit and granted MARVEL did, but not like DC. When Marvel swerved, you got things like OBNOXIO THE CLOWN (read on). In order for those DC fools to even out their mess, they had to have a Crisis on Infinite Earths to get rid of all of the stupid parallel dimensions that they had created. They forgot one dimension though, if you ask me.

Lobo was cool, but Lobo is beyond all of the Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern shit. Lobo didn't come with a comics code. It is kind of like Marvel and their Epic Magazine, it is some other stuff. I can't forgive DC for being completely lame, and I'm sorry, but Lobo doesn't help their case much. You can't right a generation of wrongs by suddenly introducing something cool. You can't right a generation of wrongs by suddenly trying to make your comics not suck. DC is dead to me. Did you see Superman Returns? DC IS DEAD.

You still want to defend DC? Check out these Superman covers. They are ridiculous. They are also accurate. Keep on clicking "next" until you get the picture, pal.

Batman didn't get serious until what...the mid-eighties? Iron Man has been more than serious his entire career. But I don't need to sit here and talk complete smack about the people who brought you AQUAMAN...my purpose is to say that Robert Downey Junior is horribly miscast. What ever happened to Leonardi DeCaprio? I used to balk at that, but I thought Nardo pulled it off in THE DEPARTED. Lastly, I have wanted to hit Robert Downey Junior hard in the past two films that I have seen him in, in the theatre. One being KISS KISS BANG BANG and the other being A SCANNER DARKLY. Yes, the man can act, but he is limited to a goofball overdelivery of the hyperkinetic twitchings of an ex-basehead.

WHAT ABOUT CHAPLIN? You people yell.

For every Chaplin, I will cite at least 10 other films that he totally sucked in.

This man is not IRON MAN. This man would be much better suited as, oh, I don't know, I don't even think he could do OBNOXIO THE CLOWN right.


My prediction is that the RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER isn't going to be as cool as anyone wants it to be. It can't be. It won't be. But hey, the hype is pretty good right now, and I am enjoying talking about this stuff.