Friday, January 27, 2006

Taking out the trash


You know,
I get a lot of junk mail. Most of it has to do with me trying to get my penis to be longer or something. I get a lot of stuff from people trying to get me to buy my meds online. I get a lot of stuff for me and my swinging single life too. Usually, I delete the stuff point blank. But this week there was a newer twist. I have seen these before, in one form or another; but this time, I had like 15 of them. Initially the idea hit me to blog on this first one...but they kept on coming. MAS Y MAS. So here, Let us dissect a few...que no?

EMAIL #1.
It is all official and stuff. If you haven't seen something like this before, then they wanted YOU and not me:

From Peter Wood.
Crockford Lane Basingstoke
Hants RG24 8WB. London UK.
TEL: 00 44 704 012 9340. + 44 704 010 9657.

Dear Friend,

My name is Peter Wood. I am a citizen of london United Kingdom. I am the personal account officer to Late Mr Neal Walker who is a citizen of USA but living here in London with his family before his sudden death.

This mail is written to solicit your assistance to be presented as next of kin to my Late Client Neal Walker of 75 Oregon city Oregon, U.S.A.He made a fixed Deposit valued at USD 8.5 Million United States Dollars Only with (Chase Manhattan Bank of London. www.chase.com) Unfortunately he lost his life aboard Egypt Air Flight 990, which crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on October 31, 1999. To see the details of this plane crash, Please click on the (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm) He left no clear beneficiary as Next of Kin but all documents relating to the claim of this fund will be processed in your name as soon as we agreed together.

The Governing Body of the Chase Manhattan Bank of London. has contacted me on this matter and I am yet to provide the Next of Kin to lay a claim to the Fund.Under a clear and legitimate agreement with you, I shall seek your consent to be presented as the next of Kin without any risk involved so that my late Client's Fund will not be confiscated by the Government. For the sake of transparency on this matter, you are free to make immediate contact with me for further information related to this matter.

Thank you very much for your anticipated acceptance while i expect your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,

Peter Wood. From London.


I replied with a "YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T" response. He knows, I know. Why is this guy reaching across the ocean to hit my account? Is my address posted on some sort of loser wall over there? Maybe it is on some loser list in Europe. Why? Read Email #2:

Dear Friend,

I am Prof. David william the deputy governor of
the citi bank of united kingdom here in london .
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of
Uk#25 million pounds in an account that belonging to
one of our foreign customer Mr.steve wansor from
America .Who died along with his entire family on
Monday,31 July, 2000 in a plane crash in paris.Please
visit this site that is one of the evidence the
directors brought in other to swallow the money at the
end of the day,

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm"
Since we got information about his death, we have been
expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his
money because we cannot release it unless somebody
applies for it as next of kin or relation to the
deceased as indicated in our banking laws but
unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of
kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane
crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided
to make this business proposal to you and release the
money to you as the next of kin or relation to the
deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since
nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money
to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.
The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if
such money remained unclaimed after fours years, the
money will be transfered into the bank treasury as
unclaimed fund.

I agree that 40% of this money will be for you as a
respect to the provision of a foriegn account and 60%
would be for me Thereafter, I will visit your country
for disbursement according to the percentage indicated
Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this
fund to your designated bank account ,you must apply
first to the bank as a relation or next of kin of the
deceased with a text of application that i will send
to you,so i will like you to send to me your private
telephone and fax number for easy and effective
communication and location
wherein the money will be remitted.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send you an email
the text of the application . I will not fail to bring
to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and
that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all
required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you
receive this letter. Trusting to hear from you
immediately.Do reply me in my private E-mail:prof_william@o2.pl

Best Regards,

Yours Faithfully,
Prof. David williams.
Email:prof_william@o2.pl


I sent this guy a "YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T" response too. I mean, were Steve AND Neal were both killed in crashes that will make ME money? The sheer coincidence of it all boggles my tired mind. Part of me knows that sending that profane response is wrong and not really following proper protocol, but please...I just saved them a lot of problems with their Uk#25 million pounds.

And then the deluge really starts. I am not usually one to win, but check out email #3:

The Lottery Department
Lotto24 ApS
9 Leapal Road, Guildford,
Surrey, GU1 4JX
London, United Kingdom

AWARD NOTIFICATION

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of £2,600,000.00
(Two Million, Six Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) International programs
held on the 5th of october 2005 in the London Uk.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our
computerized email selection system(ess) from a database of over 250,000 email
addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.

Lotto24 is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The
International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This promotional lottery is
he tenth of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.

To begin the processing of your prize you are to contact your claims officer
through our accredited Prize Transfer agents as stated below:

Mr. John Wood
9 Leapal Road, Guildford,
Surrey, GU1 4JX
London, United Kingdom
Email: john_2wood@hotmail.com
john_01wood@yahoo.com
Phone Number:+44-7031921150
+44-7031921149
+44-70319221142
Time to call(10am to 5pm london time)

contact him, please provide him with your secret pin code x7pwyz2005 and your
reference number BWBI:2551256003/23.You are also advised to provide him with
the under listed information as soon as possible:

Claims Requirements:
1.Name in full--------------------------------------------------------------
2.Address-------------------------------------------------------------------
3.Nationality---------------------------------------------------------------
4.Age-----------------------------------------------------------------------
5.Sex-----------------------------------------------------------------------
6.Occupation----------------------------------------------------------------
7.Phone/Fax-----------------------------------------------------------------
8.Present Country-----------------------------------------------------------

If you do not contact your claims agent within 7 working days of this
notification,your winnings would be revoked. Winners are advised to keep their
winning details/information from the public to avoid fraudulent claim

(IMPORTANT)pending the transfer/claim by Winner.
Accept my hearty congratulations once again!

Regards
Mrs Susan Hart
Lottery Manager


I hit Mrs. Susan Hart back with another profanity studded one-sentence response. Someone has actually taken the time to type that trash up with the hopes of playing someone like me out. The story is that I contact them and then they hit me up with some sort of "finders/location/whatever fee". I send that and wait from the rest of my life for my Two Million, Six Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds. In that time though, they now know who I am, where I live, my nationality, where I work and so on. WHAT DO THEY REALLY WANT?
Initially, I was just going to blog on those three...but here is another that just showed up as I started:

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

COMPLIMENTS OF THE NEW YEAR.

MY NAME IS IBRAHIM ABACHA,THE SON OF THE LATE NIGERIAN PRESIDENT, GENERAL SANNI ABACHA,I AM SEEKING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COLLECTING MY LATE FATHER'S MONEY THAT IS IN A FINANCIAL INSTITUTION IN EUROPE AMMOUNTING TO EIGHT MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR PURPOSE OF INVESTMENT.

FOR DOING THIS YOU WILL BE REWARDED TO THE AMMOUNT OF ONE MILLION TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS WHICH IS FIFTEEN PERCENT OF THE TOTAL SUM IN QUESTION.

PLEASE I NEED YOU TO CONTACT ME WITH YOUR FULL NAME,PHONE AND FAX.

AWAITING YOUR PROMPT AND STRICT CONFIDENTIAL RESPONSE


IBRAHIM ABACHA


Freaking amazing. I just checked my junk mail and found one more. This one really frosts me. It is a frosty one because it preys on the fact that you will access charity dollars. This one may be the most cynical email that I have ever gotten from a stranger (because I get cynical ones from my friends all the time):

From: Mrs. Gloria Cavana
Reply email to my private email:glory600@myway.com

RE: PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.

Dear Beloved,

ln my quest to locate a responsible friend and partner to bring my dreams to a
reality, hence l took this bold step to contact you through this medium and l
would not like you to take an offence that l am bothering you since you do not
know me neither have we met before.

I am Mrs. Gloria Cavana from Kuwait. I am married to Dr. Harry kata who worked
with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years, before he died in the year
2002.we were both married for eleven years without a child. He died after a
brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both involved in charity services. Since his death I
decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which is
against my principle. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of
$18.6million (eighteen million six hundred thousand u.s.dollars) with a bank
in Europe. Presently, this money is still with the bank in
Europe for safekeeping.

Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months
due to my cancer problem.Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.
Having known my condition of health I have decided to donate this fund to
charity, orphanage or an individual that will utilize this money the way I am
going to instruct here in. I want an individual that will use these
fund-to-fund charity, orphanages and widows and to ensure that these set of
people are well maintained. The bible made us to understand that blessed is
the hand that giveth.i took this decision because I don't have any child that
will inherit this money and my husband relatives are well of and I don't want
my husband's hard earned money to be misused by them.

As I do not want a situation whereby this money will be used in an ungodly
manner.Hence the reasons for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of
death because l have lived a fufiled life.

As it is right now, I don't need any telephone communication in this regard
because of my health and also due to the presence of my husband's relatives
around me always. I don't want them to know about this development.As soon as
I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in the
Europe. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as
the original-beneficiary of this said fund. I want you to see to the need of
the less priviledged.My happiness is that I lived a fulfiled life and l dont
have any regrets in life .Please note that any delay in your reply will give
me room in sourcing for another individual as I stated here in.

For now I dont want any calls from you because of the presence of my husband's
relatives who are always around me and I dont want them to know my plans. Do
get intouch with me on my private email address glory600@myway.com for more
details to proceed.

Hoping to hear from you soonest and do notify your interest to help me assist
charity.

May the peace and blessing of God be upon you and May god bless you as you
respond to my plea.

Remain blessed .

Best Regards,

Mrs. Gloria Cavana


I sent her an email telling her to go to hell. Straight up.

Then there was this one this one showed up a few days ago, but I have letting my junk mail pile up for the past week looking for entertainment. I figured it might be worth posting here, because the title was "I only like sweet mens".

----- Original Message ----- From: "SavitriHNazirah "
To: "SawiniNNeala "
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 6:48 AM
Subject: solcrp@hotmail.com add me to messenger


I am eager to meet a nice sweet man. I am 25, female and from Russia. I like canada mens, and
also europe and americas mens. I have pictures if you want to see me. my email is svetlana@persmail.info
I hope to meet you and be freind. With great hope. Svetlana Staples

xoxoxoxoxoox[20



I don't have the stomach to email a retort to this one. Some of these things just need to be left alone.


Here is my question: Why am I getting all of these emails asking for SERIOUS cash assistance from other countries? Some of these emails actually took some time to write. I think about that religious one where I told that kind old lady to go to hell. That was like, 4 paragraphs long. Those weren't little freshmen in high school paragraphs either. That stuff was the juice.

Who are these people? Are they actually drumming up any cash? Are these schemes working? How many times do they get responses and their hearts flutter thinking that they have found a sucker, and then they read some profanity from some bored blogger? I wonder.

I also wonder if I haven't just kissed several million off in the most vulgar way. Hey, I have 30 grand in student loans piled up in some space of reality. The loan people call and I let them eat the answering machine, DAILY. Maybe I should get the loan people's email address, forward this trash to them and hope for the best. I could attach my name to it on one level or another, so that when the payoff comes through, 30 grand goes to my student loan problems. Shoot, I'll even throw that Russian chick in for free.

Damn. Things are looking up.