Saturday, January 07, 2006

CONFLICTED



The above pic is from a more confusing time in my life. Back when I was trying to be a teacher in a system that is totally about money and test scores and not about the beautiful individuals that teachers are put in charge of.

fuck education.

That stuff ruined me. Broke my heart and left me with more questions about he state of our society than anything else out there PERIOD.

Perhaps I will rant about it more later...but there is a lot of stuff to touch down with here, and I will get right to the meat of my posting here like a madman at this time. It is nebulous though, so don't expect any real answers. I am processing stuff...and as I process, more truth will come to light. Understand that this is a public forum, and I am not just gonna drop trou for strangers though.

Yeah, I have an intense draft in the chamber here. I don't even know if I will put it out there. It is hard to remove the caripace out here. Especially when my fakkin name is on it. I will put it out as it makes more sense. It is just about postmodern Xtian angst. Stuff that probably only concerns a small crowd of people who came up in Xtianity in the 80s and now don't know where it all fits, because the American war machine is stupid that way. Because the churches out there are stupid that way. Because complacency rules the wasteland. Because if there ever was a hypocrite walking the face of the earth trying to figure shit out, it would be me. I am conflicted to the core on many levels, but I continue to march on and function...surrounded by 360 degrees of pain and suffering.

I once knew this guy (I kicked his ass a few years ago) who got in my face and told me that I was conflicted. I doubted him. He kept on picking at me, telling me that I was deeply conflicted and that he could tell that I was. If I'd had my wits about me, I would have flipped that shit on him and pointed out his conflicts that I saw within himself. But I didn't. I was at a weak moment in life and I went into the introspective whirlpool with a vengeance. In my prosessing, I would out kicking his ass. He needed it, and if I see him again, I will kick his ass again, because I don't need anyone coming up telling me stuff that I already know now.

But that conflict is something that is now exposed. It is something that I am dealing with, and I have come to the conclusion that we are all conflicted. We all have our problems. We all struggle with being human.

And perhaps I will post the blog that I have in the chamber, and perhaps I won't.

And the one that reads something about "read these in order" is something that is a project and that is that. There is truth there, but overall...it is something that is ultimately better than truth. I am not done with it yet.